I had the brilliant idea of turning Teen Mom into a drinking game. Take a drink every time Amber and Gary have an argument, a drink every time they show Ryan staring blankly into space, take a shot every time Farrah puts Sophia in danger, take two shots if Sophia gets injured from it, take a drink every time they have to caption Kyle speaking; but then I realized I would be totally snockered within 20 minutes and this blog post would be nothing but incoherent babble…more than usual anyway.
I knew things weren’t going to go well for the dynamic duo when they had an argument within the first 5 minutes of the episode. They signed up for dance lessons to get prepped for their wedding. Do people actually do this? I see it a lot on TV, but I don’t know any couples in real life who have actually done it. So the instructor asks when their wedding is and they don’t know. Amber replies with “maybe in 2 to 4 months.” Gary’s all, “20 months sounds good to me, hardy har har.” Seriously, Gary? Do you want Amber to bitch slap you again? I’m beginning to think he gets off on it. That gets all squared away and they dance and I see a dress I totally covet.
The shocker comes next!
Gary has a job!!!! We get to hear all about how he woke Leah up super early to get to his job on time and she kept crying and crying, much to Amber’s dismay. I’m pretty sure half the episode was just Leah crying. They get into another argument when Amber calls Gary to tell him how much of a jerk he is for waking Leah up so early. The best part about the whole thing was this:
I literally lol’d.
After calling Gary and chewing him out, Amber goes shopping for wedding dresses, because that’s what you do when you break up with your fiance 5 times a night.
Then her friend raises the million dollar question: “Are you ready to get married?” Amber admits she may be settling. Honestly, I think both of them are just settling, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, she admit that “if Leah wasn’t here, Gary would be gone.” Now, I know some people ‘stay together for the kids,’ but that just ends with a bunch of unhappy, cranky people.
Amber goes home and her and Gary get into another argument. If you’re playing the drinking game, are you drunk yet? You should be falling over coffee tables and drunk dialing by now. This argument was over Gary’s disciplining Leah, or lack thereof. They break up again. Amber is totally the type of mom to badmouth the father in front of her child. “Daddy left you again.” What was that? So not cool.
Hey, Gary, I think you just made Jordan’s day.
April is heading to Vegas! April in Vegas is actually kind of a scary thought and I refuse to dwell on that right now.
On to a less vomit-inducing subject: I didn’t like Tyler and Catelynn together at first. They just annoyed me and I can’t really pinpoint why. Now I have to admit that I’m totally on Team Cyler (Tatelynn?). How cute are they?
Guess what? It’s Carly’s first birthday!
Cyler/Tatelynn go to the adoption agency to send Carly’s gift to her. A necklace with their 3 birthstones in it. I want. Then they even get to call her! Can I get a collective “Awwwwwwwww?” Despite the fact that Catelynn’s upset at her mother’s lack of interest, she’s really holding it together.
They talk to Carly’s adoptive mom, Teresa, and find out how Carly’s birthday went. Then they talk to Carly herself! I got a little verklempt.
Farrah has decided to move, because her apartment costs more than it’s worth and because there’s a mouse on the sidewalk:
Please note that the mouse was still alive and flopping around, which was really sad. So Farrah went to her mother’s house for advice. They’ve been getting along better since she has agreed to watch Sophia so Farrah can finish culinary school. Debra’s suggestion is her rental house across the street from her house, which she is currently working on.
At this, Farrah starts going into convulsions, remembering how much of a death trap it was when she used to live there. She talks it over with her friend, Christina, and she decides to have a contract drawn up. She does bring up valid points, such as the privacy issue. I love my mom, but I couldn’t live that close to her. However, sometimes beggars can’t be choosers, and Farrah will be holding up a “Will Work For Food” sign soon.
Farrah ends up going to the zoo with her family for her birthday, which seems sort of out of place, then they have a barbecue. On the way to the zoo, her stepfather’s car breaks down, so she has to go home to get her car. I think she was trying to show us how bad it would be to live near her family, but it didn’t quite work.
Now, a tour of the rental house, where Debra explains to Farrah how to use a garbage disposal and not to stick any spoons in it. Then Farrah presents her mother with the contract she typed up. It didn’t go over too well. The subject of Debra going to counseling came up again and a lot of eyerolling on Farrah’s part.
Maci will be moving to Nashville in 2 weeks! She wants to move before her and Ryan’s custody case goes to court and she can’t move within 100 miles from Chattanooga. I like Maci a lot, so I can’t explain why I’m so torn on this issue. On the one hand, Ryan is a dink. That’s pretty obvious. On the other hand, the fact remains that she’s uprooting her life and Bentley’s life by her having to change schools, jobs, move away from her parents. On the other other hand (See? That’s how confused I am. I have 3 hands.), I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Ryan. He just always looks so pathetic. Like when he’s eating and just staring at the wall or picking his fingernails, seemingly oblivious to the camera in the room with him. I almost expect him to end up on a season of Big Brother sometime in the near future.
I just realized (because I’m apparently a little slow), Ryan never shows interest in Bentley when he’s with him. His mother was holding Bentley the whole time, and Ryan only took him when Maci showed up. With a jaw cracking yawn, he hands Bentley to Maci and is like, “You gotta go,” then walks away without looking back. Nice. I don’t feel so sorry for him anymore.
So Maci decides to check out a school in Nashville and go apartment hunting. She finds an apartment for her and Bentley. Then she decides to officially tell her parents that she’s moving. Her dad, Stephen Root, I mean Gene, just about chokes on his food.
Her parents don’t seem to trust her decisions. I know it may be a crazy move (okay, it’s almost definitely a crazy move), but maybe they should her figure it out on her own. Honestly, I have a feeling they don’t like Kyle all that much, and now I’m feeling bad for him. Oy. Sharon refers to Kyle as “he” as she’s glaring at him, and tells Maci she doesn’t think she’ll have full support. Now I’m just waiting for the fireworks.