Teen Mom – “Lots of losers in a fast amount of time.”

Due to a DVR malfunction, my Teen Mom post for the week is mega late.  Better late than never, I always say.  I mean that too, since I’m always late.

Amber

Amber is still dealing with the same old dilemma.  And I don’t mean the dilemma of whether or not she should break off her engagement with Gary again.  No, I’m talking about the age old GED/High School Diploma dilemma and which one has more bragging rights.  She doesn’t want to explain to Leah why daddy has a High School Diploma and mommy has a GED.  I can think of worse things for Amber to worry about.  Like explaining to Leah why mommy and daddy hate each other or maybe why mommy and daddy are now being featured on an episode of Hoarders.  Amber decides to see the one person who truly matters in her life…her Career Counselor.

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“Look.  Just get your damn GED and stop coming into my office every single week.  I do have other clients, you know.”

Amber’s expression once she realizes all of this is just a stepping stool to college:

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Methinks college is not on Amber’s list of priorities.

Hallelujah!  Two miracles have happened.  Amber decides to go for her GED, with the possibility of getting her High School Diploma later, and she admitted Gary was right for once.

Right before Gary got his balls handed to him:

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He wants to marry a woman who is “on her game,” to explain why he’s pressuring Amber to get her GED so much.  Yes, Amber, you want to be on your game, unlike Gary who is unemployed and sits around in his own filth all day.  A real winner you got there.  Maybe next time you break off your engagement, it should be for good.  Unless, of course, he apologizes real nicely again.

Amber ripping him a new one:

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I almost expected steam to shoot out of her ears and her eyeballs to roll back in her head.

Amber ends up taking her test, despite the fact that Gary is being a douchebag.  After struggling with the questions, she ends up…failing everything.

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I know you can’t read that, but red writing is never a good sign.

Gary and Amber get into another fight over “smart pills.”  It was sort of anti-climactic, since no books flew anywhere near Gary’s head.  Amber, may I suggest cracking the books and resorting to caffeine pills?  After all, it worked for Jessie Spano.  Sort of.

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Gary’s suggestion was to listen to Mozart while doing her homework.  It will supposedly make her 50% smarter.  That’s a hell of a lot of Mozart you’ll have to listen to, Amber.

Catelynn

The big news this week is that Butch, Tyler’s dad, was sent to rehab. for his Cocaine use.  According to Butch, rehab is “Classes all day, like all day long.  You have to get up and make your bed.”

Tyler’s reaction to that was priceless.

He was all, “Really?”  Yes, Tyler, you have to get up and make your bed.  You would know what that was like if you weren’t in your bed 90% of your life.  With your pants down apparently.

So Butch and Catelynn’s mom, April, went back to 1978 and drove over to rehab.

Yes, their van has curtains on the windows.  I immediately had flashbacks to fighting with my little brother in the backseat of our Vanagon.

After their tearful goodbye, April went home and stared into space with a cigarette dangling from her lips,  just waiting for Catelynn to come home so she could tear into her.  Catelynn told Tyler that his dad is the only thing that keeps her mom sane.  Boy, she wasn’t kidding!

April accused Catelynn of never doing anything around the house, of just sitting around being lazy all the time, and then she brought out the Carly argument.  “I never wanted you to give your damn baby up for adoption.”  Yes, April, because Carly would be better off with you and Butch, right?  Maybe you can teach the art of mullets.  Or perhaps you can teach her how to make out with a wall, like little Nick here:

Umm, yeah, I think Carly is better off with her new family.  So after this blow-out argument, Catelynn calls Tyler to pick her up and take her to his house, where she has a heart to heart with his mother.  It’s actually sort of touching.  Catelynn has a change of heart, goes back home, and decides to do her part:

It only took her mom berating her entire existence to get her to clean up after herself.  It works.  Later, they share their I love yous and all is well again.

Catelynn doesn’t look entirely convinced, if you ask me.

Farrah

Farrah seemed to have smartened up in the past week.  After losing $3,000 to a scammer and then letting Sophia fall off a bed, she asked her boss for more hours, especially since she also lost her free baby-sitting.  In Iowa, you make too much for government assistance if you work part-time at a pizza shop.  Since her mother has been busy these days…

and since she isn’t speaking to her anyway, Farrah goes to her friend, Alli, for help watching Sophia while she’s at work.  Alli decides to make it her goal in life to hook Farrah up with someone.  She suggest speed dating, to which Farrah replied with the best line in the whole episode: “Lots of losers in a fast amount of time.”  Yes, Farrah, exactly.  She decides to go through with it anyway, since Alli is very persuasive.

Meet Bachelor #1:

His questions were, “Is anyone in your family a downer a lot?” and “Have you ever done yoga?”  Oh, Bachelor #1, I can see you have practiced these questions.

Meet Bachelor #2:

We find out he’s a physical therapist assistant and he has a couple of cats.  Farrah cringes when she hears “cats,” and responds with: “Sometimes cats are nice, but I don’t know.  They like to piss everywhere.”

That was obviously the worst thing you can say to Bachelor #2.

I’ll bet he tucks his cats into bed at night and keeps their urine in vials, because he heard about the healing properties of cat piss.

Meet Bachelor #3:

He was the only one who was “sort of okay” until he found out Farrah has a baby.  Then he suddenly smelled some rotting fish.

That was the end of that.

Maci

Maci’s new flame, Kyle, lives 2 hours away in Nashville, so Maci and Bentley see him on the weekends.  It seems the next step is for Maci and Bentley to move to Nashville from Chattanooga to be with Kyle since, “Bentley loves Kyle, and Kyle loves Bentley.”  Because chances are, Bentley will never love anyone who lives near them.  He will ever only love Kyle.  Maci brings up some good points to Kyle when they discuss this.  She would have to find a place to live, change schools, find a new job, find a daycare.  Kyle’s like, “Well, uhhh, duhhh, I would have to quit my job!” (paraphrased).

Way to go for not being selfish, Kyle!

But Maci’s all, “OKAY!!!!  I love uprooting my life” and decides to tour daycares with Kyle and Bentley, where Bentley ends up calling Kyle, “dada.”

Personally, I think Bentley just wanted to know where his dada was and why Kyle was trying to take him away from everything he’s ever known, but that’s just me.  To be fair, I know Ryan is a douche and I’m not saying Maci should get back with him, but I do think she should think things through a little first.  That’s all.

Back at home, she breaks it to her friends.  They stare at her as if she’s an alien who just happened to land at the picnic table with them.

But then they realize, “Hey, we love Kyle!  Hahahahaha!” and all is cool.

Now Maci, Kyle, and Bentley can be one big happy family in Nashville.

Hey, Maci, while you’re in Nashville, say “hi” to Elvis for me!

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