Just a reminder, a new Teen Mom is on tonight! So wrap Sophia up in bubble wrap, get ready for more Catelynn and Tyler just staring at each other, watch Maci make a huge mistake by moving to Nashville and enjoy some good ole fashion Gary and Amber fighting!
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What a great week! Farrah tries to sew her own clothes, Maci was on the show for about 2 minutes (actually, I don’t think I liked that part so much), Catelynn‘s mom didn’t call her a bitch, and Amber channeled her inner Chris Farley. We even got to see Jordan!
Gary was still staying with his mom, but she basically told him to get his butt out, because he didn’t always get along with his brother. So Gary calls up Amber and begs her to let him stay with her until he can afford to move out. She’s like, “Whateve, but you have to pay.” He tries to play the “I can move out faster if I don’t have to pay,” route. Right, Gary. Maybe someday that will work for ya. She agrees to let him stay as long as he sleeps on the couch. You know what that means, don’t you? We get to see more fights! And I don’t mean just fights between Gary and Amber.
Nope! Amber decides she should take up martial arts to relieve the stress of having Gary living in her apartment like a bump on a log.
I had the brilliant idea of turning Teen Mom into a drinking game. Take a drink every time Amber and Gary have an argument, a drink every time they show Ryan staring blankly into space, take a shot every time Farrah puts Sophia in danger, take two shots if Sophia gets injured from it, take a drink every time they have to caption Kyle speaking; but then I realized I would be totally snockered within 20 minutes and this blog post would be nothing but incoherent babble…more than usual anyway.
I knew things weren’t going to go well for the dynamic duo when they had an argument within the first 5 minutes of the episode. They signed up for dance lessons to get prepped for their wedding. Do people actually do this? I see it a lot on TV, but I don’t know any couples in real life who have actually done it. So the instructor asks when their wedding is and they don’t know. Amber replies with ”maybe in 2 to 4 months.” Gary’s all, “20 months sounds good to me, hardy har har.” Seriously, Gary? Do you want Amber to bitch slap you again? I’m beginning to think he gets off on it. That gets all squared away and they dance and I see a dress I totally covet.
The shocker comes next!
This week’s episode should have been entitled “Revenge of the Grandparents” or maybe “The Grandparents Wrath.” But first…we have Amber’s birthday to celebrate!
Gary really stepped up to the plate by surprising Amber with breakfast in bed.
While they were eating the most yummy looking pancakes (I don’t even like pancakes, but I totally wanted some), Amber told Gary her plans for her birthday included going out dancing with her friends. He agreed to stay home and take care of Leah. He then took Leah out to buy Amber some presents. It was all really sweet.
Due to a DVR malfunction, my Teen Mom post for the week is mega late. Better late than never, I always say. I mean that too, since I’m always late.
Amber is still dealing with the same old dilemma. And I don’t mean the dilemma of whether or not she should break off her engagement with Gary again. No, I’m talking about the age old GED/High School Diploma dilemma and which one has more bragging rights. She doesn’t want to explain to Leah why daddy has a High School Diploma and mommy has a GED. I can think of worse things for Amber to worry about. Like explaining to Leah why mommy and daddy hate each other or maybe why mommy and daddy are now being featured on an episode of Hoarders. Amber decides to see the one person who truly matters in her life…her Career Counselor.
“Look. Just get your damn GED and stop coming into my office every single week. I do have other clients, you know.”
Amber’s expression once she realizes all of this is just a stepping stool to college:
Methinks college is not on Amber’s list of priorities.
Hallelujah! Two miracles have happened. Amber decides to go for her GED, with the possibility of getting her High School Diploma later, and she admitted Gary was right for once.
Right before Gary got his balls handed to him:
He wants to marry a woman who is “on her game,” to explain why he’s pressuring Amber to get her GED so much. Yes, Amber, you want to be on your game, unlike Gary who is unemployed and sits around in his own filth all day. A real winner you got there. Maybe next time you break off your engagement, it should be for good. Unless, of course, he apologizes real nicely again.
Amber ripping him a new one:
I almost expected steam to shoot out of her ears and her eyeballs to roll back in her head.
Amber ends up taking her test, despite the fact that Gary is being a douchebag. After struggling with the questions, she ends up…failing everything.
I know you can’t read that, but red writing is never a good sign.
Gary and Amber get into another fight over “smart pills.” It was sort of anti-climactic, since no books flew anywhere near Gary’s head. Amber, may I suggest cracking the books and resorting to caffeine pills? After all, it worked for Jessie Spano. Sort of.
Gary’s suggestion was to listen to Mozart while doing her homework. It will supposedly make her 50% smarter. That’s a hell of a lot of Mozart you’ll have to listen to, Amber.
The big news this week is that Butch, Tyler’s dad, was sent to rehab. for his Cocaine use. According to Butch, rehab is “Classes all day, like all day long. You have to get up and make your bed.”
Tyler’s reaction to that was priceless.
He was all, “Really?” Yes, Tyler, you have to get up and make your bed. You would know what that was like if you weren’t in your bed 90% of your life. With your pants down apparently.
So Butch and Catelynn’s mom, April, went back to 1978 and drove over to rehab.
Yes, their van has curtains on the windows. I immediately had flashbacks to fighting with my little brother in the backseat of our Vanagon.
After their tearful goodbye, April went home and stared into space with a cigarette dangling from her lips, just waiting for Catelynn to come home so she could tear into her. Catelynn told Tyler that his dad is the only thing that keeps her mom sane. Boy, she wasn’t kidding!
April accused Catelynn of never doing anything around the house, of just sitting around being lazy all the time, and then she brought out the Carly argument. “I never wanted you to give your damn baby up for adoption.” Yes, April, because Carly would be better off with you and Butch, right? Maybe you can teach the art of mullets. Or perhaps you can teach her how to make out with a wall, like little Nick here:
Umm, yeah, I think Carly is better off with her new family. So after this blow-out argument, Catelynn calls Tyler to pick her up and take her to his house, where she has a heart to heart with his mother. It’s actually sort of touching. Catelynn has a change of heart, goes back home, and decides to do her part:
It only took her mom berating her entire existence to get her to clean up after herself. It works. Later, they share their I love yous and all is well again.
Catelynn doesn’t look entirely convinced, if you ask me.
Farrah seemed to have smartened up in the past week. After losing $3,000 to a scammer and then letting Sophia fall off a bed, she asked her boss for more hours, especially since she also lost her free baby-sitting. In Iowa, you make too much for government assistance if you work part-time at a pizza shop. Since her mother has been busy these days…
and since she isn’t speaking to her anyway, Farrah goes to her friend, Alli, for help watching Sophia while she’s at work. Alli decides to make it her goal in life to hook Farrah up with someone. She suggest speed dating, to which Farrah replied with the best line in the whole episode: “Lots of losers in a fast amount of time.” Yes, Farrah, exactly. She decides to go through with it anyway, since Alli is very persuasive.
Meet Bachelor #1:
His questions were, “Is anyone in your family a downer a lot?” and “Have you ever done yoga?” Oh, Bachelor #1, I can see you have practiced these questions.
Meet Bachelor #2:
We find out he’s a physical therapist assistant and he has a couple of cats. Farrah cringes when she hears “cats,” and responds with: “Sometimes cats are nice, but I don’t know. They like to piss everywhere.”
That was obviously the worst thing you can say to Bachelor #2.
I’ll bet he tucks his cats into bed at night and keeps their urine in vials, because he heard about the healing properties of cat piss.
Meet Bachelor #3:
He was the only one who was “sort of okay” until he found out Farrah has a baby. Then he suddenly smelled some rotting fish.
That was the end of that.
Maci’s new flame, Kyle, lives 2 hours away in Nashville, so Maci and Bentley see him on the weekends. It seems the next step is for Maci and Bentley to move to Nashville from Chattanooga to be with Kyle since, “Bentley loves Kyle, and Kyle loves Bentley.” Because chances are, Bentley will never love anyone who lives near them. He will ever only love Kyle. Maci brings up some good points to Kyle when they discuss this. She would have to find a place to live, change schools, find a new job, find a daycare. Kyle’s like, “Well, uhhh, duhhh, I would have to quit my job!” (paraphrased).
Way to go for not being selfish, Kyle!
But Maci’s all, “OKAY!!!! I love uprooting my life” and decides to tour daycares with Kyle and Bentley, where Bentley ends up calling Kyle, “dada.”
Personally, I think Bentley just wanted to know where his dada was and why Kyle was trying to take him away from everything he’s ever known, but that’s just me. To be fair, I know Ryan is a douche and I’m not saying Maci should get back with him, but I do think she should think things through a little first. That’s all.
Back at home, she breaks it to her friends. They stare at her as if she’s an alien who just happened to land at the picnic table with them.
But then they realize, “Hey, we love Kyle! Hahahahaha!” and all is cool.
Now Maci, Kyle, and Bentley can be one big happy family in Nashville.
Hey, Maci, while you’re in Nashville, say “hi” to Elvis for me!