It looks like I’m not the only one upset about Audrina Patridge’s untimely demise from Dancing With the Stars.  Her mother, Lynn, goes on a drunken tirade about how her baby was wronged.

If I was Audrina, I would be hiding behind a carton Haagen-Dazs right about now, wishing I was an orphan.  Lynn was probably one of those stage mothers who relived her youth through her daughter and she still can’t let that go.  On a positive note, for Lynn and Audrina anyway, the younger Ms. Patridge has landed something better than a disco ball that will just collect dust on a mantel in her mansion.  She has landed her own reality show on VH1!  It will be all about Audrina’s life and family and is yet to be titled.  If Lynn goes on any more rampages, it might be worth seeing just for that.

The Dancing With the Stars results show always makes me think of a big dance party!  You have the awesome dancing from both the contestants and professional dance groups, you have the “concert” aspect with popular bands and singers.  All you need is the spandex and platform heels.  Oh, wait, you have that too!

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This week marks the halfway point for season 11 of Dancing with the Stars!  It’s anyone’s game now, which is proven by how Bristol Palin keeps coming back week after week, even though she can never remember her dances.  This week was TV Theme Week where we had Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy quickstep their way onto the top of the leaderboard with a total judges score of 27, knocking Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough out of the coveted spot.

Brandy dancing to I'll Be There For You

Bringing up the rear were Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas with a total judges score of 18.  Ouch.  I’m sure the monkey suits didn’t help matters any, even though Len Goodman surprisingly liked them.

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It was acoustic week!  The contestants danced to either the Argentine Tango or the Rumba to live acoustic music.  They were also being judged on both technical and performance abilities, and had to dance on a much smaller, round stage.  Luckily no one fell off the stage, which I totally would have done.

Before I get on with the results, just a few observations from me:

1. We got to hear Jennifer Grey say, “It was dope, yo.”  That was priceless.

2. Watching Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas dance is kind of like watching my grandmother makes the moves on my boyfriend.  Solely speaking of the age difference.  I don’t want Corky Ballas to be my boyfriend.

3. We got to see Mark Ballas’s, Len Goodman’s, and The Situation’s situations.  The Situation’s was the only one worth looking at.

Len Goodman shirtless

It just seems so...unLenlike

4. Karina Smirnoff thinks The Situation is The Hulk.  Or maybe Superman.  Karina, you aren’t Lacey Schwimmer.  You and The Situation are almost the same height and build.  Expecting him to make you do a perfect barrel roll in mid-air might be sort of impossible.

5. Speaking of Lacey Schwimmer, what’s with all the jokes about how young and “full of hormones” Kyle Massey is?  You were his age pretty damn recently, Lacey.

Okay, now that I got all that out of my system, onto the results!

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I apologize for not getting a recap up, but thanks to Monday Night Football (Go, Pats!), Dancing with the Stars wasn’t on until 1:35 a.m.  I was sawing logs at that point and by the time I would have been able to get the recap up, you would all be like, “Who cares about a recap?  We already know who got booted out.  Yawn.”  So I’m just putting up an elimination post this week.  You’re welcome.

Susan Boyle was scheduled to be a musical guest tonight, but she called in sick at the last minute.  The only one who wasn’t doing anything was apparently Michael Bolton, so he was able to step in and sing his heart out.  I guess that means he’s forgiven Bruno Tonioli.


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Last night’s episode should have been subtitled “Let’s compare our injuries,” or maybe “SARAH PALIN IS HERE!!!”  Last week, we said hasta la bye bye to The Hoff, who ran in slow motion towards the Exit clad in nothing but an orange swimsuit.  Well, not really, but that would have totally made my night.

Our first dance number last night was Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke dancing the jive.  Rick had a ruptured tendon and now has a floppy foot.  We were very lucky, though, because we got to see it.


Rick started off with ripping off his jacket, which didn’t bode so well for David Hasselhoff last week. 


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Welcome to Season 11 of Dancing with the Stars (and Bristol Palin)!  I don’t know about you, but Dancing with the Stars always makes me want to take up Ballroom Dancing.  But since stevebeans always looks at me like I have eggplants sprouting from my ears whenever I mention it, dancing around in my living room to Lady Gaga is probably the closest I’ll ever get.

Tonight’s dances were the Cha Cha….


and the Viennese Waltz.

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I shamedly admit I haven't watched Dancing with the Stars on a regular basis since the first season where John O'Hurley repeatedly made me laugh with his facial expressions.  That man could cut a rug!  I did catch a couple of episodes featuring Mario Lopez (Slater!), because he's, well…..HE'S MARIO LOPEZ!  Boy, was I ever surprised to find out we're in season 11.  11!  I excitedly checked out the cast lineup and felt slight disappointment when I saw the list.  I didn't see Zack Morris anywhere.

Representing the ladies:

Jennifer Grey – No one is putting Baby in the corner.  In fact, they're putting Baby on stage and hoping she can still dance.

Brandy – She can sing, but can she dance?  Let's hope so.

Florence Henderson – I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about seeing Carol Brady strut her stuff.  "Ohhh, Mike." 

Audrina Patridge – Now, I don't know anything about The Hills beyond Heidi and Spencer, but apparently Audrina wasn't doing anything, so she thought, "Sure, why not?  Maybe I'll get to meet Zach Morris."  Sorry, Audrina, we all wish that.

Umm…nice outfit, Audrina, but I think you forgot your pants.

Margaret Cho – If her dancing isn't up to par, maybe she can crack some jokes to get us all to forget her performance.  You just know she's going to do that.

Bristol Palin – Bristol Palin is a star?  Since when?  Personally, I'd rather see her momma out there.

Now for the men:

Kyle Massey – As far as I'm concerned, Kyle will always be Raven's obnoxious little brother on That's So Raven.  I half expect him to start picking on his dance partner.

Rick Fox – The first of our two athletes is an L.A. Lakers legend.  Not knowing much about basketball myself, I figured I should do my research.  A quick Google search informed me that he has been linked to both Vanessa Williams and Eliza Dushku.  Not bad, Rick.  Not bad at all.

Kurt Warner – Not quite the Quarterback I want to see, but I guess Tom Brady is busy playing football or something.

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino – One has to wonder what situation he is talking about.  Maybe Snooki knows.

Everyone!  Look at my abs!

Michael Bolton – YES!  Yes, yes, yes!!!!!  It's about time he got the respect he deserves!

Oh, that's the wrong Michael Bolton.  What a letdown.  They mean this guy:

He's okay too, I guess. 

David Hasselhoff – Last, but certainly not least, the Hoff.


I know he's aged some since his Baywatch days, but this is just how I prefer to remember him.

Season 11 of Dancing with the Stars premieres Tuesday, September 20th.  Stay tuned!