Survivor “How Do You Tell It To Move?”

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Kelly Bruno is not fooling anyone here

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Tyrone gives the stink-eye

Survivor: Nicaragua has finally kicked off and it couldn’t have been full of more awkward moments and unintentional humor.   The episode started off pretty clever, mixing up random people walking them down to the beach, which allowed people to eye up their new tribe, or in Tyrone’s case, likely give them then stink-eyeup.

You had Marty Piombo basically questioning wtf Jimmy Johnson was doing with them, as I’m sure the viewers collectively nodded their heads in agreement.    Brenda Lowe deciding she’s very, very, very single and going to play that to her advantage, and Alina thinking Kelly Bruno has “maybe like a hip problem”.  Sorry Alina, it’s no hip problem, think lower.

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Marty Congratulates Brenda

Before Jimmy Johnson had to lay down for his afternoon nap, Jeff already sent them on their first challenge, and this one was to find the much anticipated “Medallion of Power”.  The trick was though, whoever won it did so for their tribes, so naturally Marty got excited when Brenda discovered the medallion then proceeded to climb the tree slower than a sloth.  Seriously, both tribes were half-way up the tree before she finally got the medallion.

Jeff then decided to reveal the ole “Hey guys, remember when you were excited about winning?  Well guess what, that wasn’t your tribe, suckas!” routine and promptly destroyed the good feeling the oldies.  Smooth move Jeff, Jimmy can’t handle all this pressure!   He then gave the youngin’s their first big decision.. keep the medallion, or give it up and take all types of cool shit.  Flints, fishing equipment.. the works.    The youngins, not realizing they’re far more athletic decided to give up the medallion even though it could have meant a free trip to the finals.   Good decision making there.

So the tribes gather up, the oldies lick their wounds and head to old person camp, while the youngins get all fired up and make their way to the La Flor camp.   

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Jane Starting Fire

Over on the oldies tribe, while Tyrone was still sizing up his opponents, while Holly and Wendy go off and decide after 5 minutes that they’d be perfect alliance buddies.  Holly’s famous last words were “I got a good feeling about you and I trust you”.  Oh Holly, you don’t say that to someone 5 minutes after you meet them, especially when they’re whack-jobs like Wendy!  Marty then tries to spark up small talk with Wendy and she promptly flees like she saw Tyrone standing by giving her the stink-eye.   Back in camp, my extreme long shot to win, Jane, decides “Hey I’m 70 years old but I’m going to make an ass out of Steve on that site”, grabs someone’s glasses and does some MacGyver shit to start a fire.   Boom, just like that she bought herself a few weeks in the game, and here I was thinking she was first out.  I’m an idiot.

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Jimmy Johnson Dying

Later on in camp, shortly after Jimmy Johnson made his case about not being a threat because he’s super famous, he then goes on to practically die right there on camera with the rest of the tribe looking on with the “we’re so fucked” look.    The next day he comes to the conclusion that living in a jungle living off of dirt and piss is much harder than his mansion, so he stands by the water in what appear to be shit stained boxers.   Again, the tribe is realizing they’re fucked.

In a stark contrast to a struggling camp with an old man shitting himself, you have the La Flor tribe in a college frat party mood.   They already gave Judson a new nickname “Fabio”, and even told Jeff he must be referred as such.  Fabio then promptly gets poked, and pinched by just about anything that can poke and pinch.  Seriously man, we’ve seen a lot of injuries, mostly from competitions, but stepping on a stick?   Come on bro, get it together.

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Alina and Kelly Find Idol Clue

Of course no week 1 will be complete without more random alliances that form like a 5th grade crush, and not shockingly it involved this years Parvati, Brenda Lowe.   Chase decided “oh she’s hot, so she must be trustworthy!”  Sorry Chase, doesn’t work like that.   My original high odds on Chase are going to plummet should he stay with this alliance.   In another weird alliance, Alina, who has now found out Kelly’s problem wasn’t her hip (shocking!), went off together and found a clue to the hidden immunity idol.   This forced a small alliance upon them that will likely be broken by week 5 when one of them backstabs the other.

After all the excitement in the camps, it was time to deal with their first immunity challenge!   As the oldies stood there wondering what that smell coming from Jimmy Johnson was, La Flor decided to march into camp showing their bond with some weird ass dance that clearly intimidated the Espada tribe, minus Tyrone of course.

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La Flor Marching In

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Neither Is Tyrone

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Jeff Not Impressed

It was then time for Jeff to reveal the big mystery, what exactly the medallion was for.   He let Espada know it gave them a power in challenges but when they use it, they had to give it to La Flor, which prompted them to say they wanted to send a message to the youngins early, and chose not to use it.  Good plan, Espada, hope that works out for you lol.

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LaFlor Girls Finish Off Puzzle

It was a very simple challenge that had a puzzle portion at the end of it, so both teams stacked their girls on the puzzles allowing them to face off.   Well, the plan worked well for the first half, but despite a little hiccup by the La Flor tribe on the puzzle, they basically dominated that portion and the youngins went on to win the challenge, and Espada went away knowing they at least kept their medallion.

Again, Espada heads back to their tribe licking their wounds and this time they get to decide who to boot.   Jimmy T starts losing his mind and freaks out in camp demanding Jimmy Johnson go.. maybe he wants to be the only Jim in camp.  Who knows?  The rest of the tribe, however, do agree and realize this guy is practically dead and he’s not going to help them much.

Jimmy J had another plan!  As annoying as he is, you don’t win a few Super Bowls without backup plans, so he went to Holly and even admitted he was the weakest player, along with Wendy.  He somehow got Holly to convince others that Wendy was weaker than a guy who was almost coughing  up his lung the night before.   Strange.

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Tyrone Stink Eye

Well, the first tribal council was upon them, and it was relatively uneventful except for a last minute plea by Wendy basically saying “Hey guys, I know I’m pretty crazy, but you do realize if you keep Jimmy over me he’s going to fuck you over, right?”, to which Espada rolled their eyes, and Tyrone gave her one more stink eye for good luck.

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MAJOR SPOILER BELOW

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Nothing shocking with the tribal council results as Wendy was voted off with a 9-1 vote.  Bye Private Benjamin, we’ll miss your craziness.

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Here is a full gallery of the Week 1 highlights:

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