Dancing With The Stars – “You have the guns, but lack the ammunition.”

Welcome to Season 11 of Dancing with the Stars (and Bristol Palin)!  I don’t know about you, but Dancing with the Stars always makes me want to take up Ballroom Dancing.  But since stevebeans always looks at me like I have eggplants sprouting from my ears whenever I mention it, dancing around in my living room to Lady Gaga is probably the closest I’ll ever get.

Tonight’s dances were the Cha Cha….


and the Viennese Waltz.

Dancing the cha cha were:

Audrina Patridge and her partner, Tony Dovolani.  They were very good and ended up with a combined score of 19.  6 from Carrie Ann Inaba, 7 from Len Goodman, and 6 from Bruno Tonioli.  Personally, I was a little distracted by Audrina’s fake rack.  One boob just seemed higher to me than the other and I spent most of her dance pondering it.


Kyle Massey and his partner, Lacy Schwimmer.  We spent half of their dance wondering if she was Mrs. Ross Geller, but we certainly didn’t miss Kyle’s fancy footwork.  In an interview I read last week, Kyle has a picture on his phone of a deep fried hot dog (according to Lacy) and was worried about the healthy food he would have to consume.  No need to worry, Cory Baxter, I was very impressed and so were the judges.  They had a combined score of 23.  8 from Carrie Ann, 7 from Len, and 8 from Bruno.


Bristol Palin and her partner,  Mark Ballas.  After I almost fell over when Bristol said she was a public advocate for teen pregnancy prevention, I composed myself and settled in to watch, since I know next to nothing about her, other than her mom is Sarah Palin and she had a baby at some point.  At first, I thought she was Sarah Palin,


but then she ripped her clothes off and proved me wrong.


They ended up with a combined score of 18.  6 from Carrie Ann, 6 from Len, and 6 from Bruno.

Florence Henderson and her partner, Corky Ballas.  I want Florence to be my mom.  Not only is she cool enough to flash everyone on public television,


but she appears to swear like a sailor.  Go, Carol!  For a 76 year old, she was awesome.  They ended up with a combined score of 18.  6 from Carrie Ann, 6 from Len, and 6 from Bruno.


Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, and his partner, Karina Smirnoff.  I found out “The Situation” refers to his abs, which he likened to Rambo’s abs.


Umm, yeah.  They made it a point to mention he only had 5 days rehearsing, while everyone else had 3 weeks.  The Situation is so cutely arrogant, I couldn’t stop laughing.  I totally want to watch Jersey Shore now.  The judges apparently didn’t feel the same.  They ended up with a combined score of 15.  5 from Carrie Ann, 5 from Len, and 5 from Bruno.


David Hasselhoff and his partner, Kym Johnson.  I’m guessing the judges never heard that you’re not supposed to Hassel the Hoff, because they only gave him a combined score of 15.  5 from Carrie Ann, 5 from Len, and 5 from Bruno.  From what I know about dancing, which is nothing, he did seem very mechanical.  Better luck next week, Hoff!  And there will be a next week!


Dancing the Viennese Waltz were:

Kurt Warner and his partner, Anna Trebunskaya.  Kurt has 7 children.  Anyone with that many children deserves to win.  That’s all I gotta say.  They got a combined score of 19.  7 from Carrie Ann, 5 from Len, and 7 from Bruno.  Len is obviously hard to please.


Rick Fox and his partner, Cheryl Burke.  Check this out:


Cheryl is wearing custom-made 4 inch heels there.  Dude, Rick is TALL.  They got a combined score of 22.  8 from Carrie Ann, 7 from Len, and 7 from Bruno.


Margaret Cho and her partner, Louis Van Amstel.  Was I right or was I right about Margaret turning this into a comedy routine?  First, she gets all tangled up in her “wings”  (What were those anyway?)


then she falls during the finale.


At first, I thought she just sucked, but it turns out she did that on purpose.  Good going, Cho.  It’s been nice knowing ya.  Apparently the judges agree.  Combined score of 15.  5 from Carrie Ann, 5 from Len, and 5 from Bruno.

Brandy and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  I love Brandy.  I think she is super cute.  I want to hang out with her and go to the mall and braid each others hair.  She’s way too graceful to hang out with me though, I’m sure.  Combined score of 23.  7 from Carrie Ann, 7 from Len, and 7 from Bruno.


Michael Bolton and his partner, Chelsie Hightower.  I was expecting more from Mr. Bolton, but his stiffness reminded me an awful lot of The Hoff.  I’m guessing his popularity will get him far though.  Combined score of 16.  6 from Carrie Ann (obviously not a Michael Bolton fan), 5 from Len, and 5 from Bruno.


Jennifer Grey and her partner, Derek Hough, who reminds me of Zac Efron in a weird sort of way.  This is when things got weird and everyone got emotional.  Jennifer and Derek were dancing to These Arms of Mine, which was in Dirty Dancing.  Way to go for tugging on Ms. Grey’s heart strings, Derek.


They managed to get through the dance, but during the judging, Carrie Ann started to cry.


It was a big, emotional, “We Love Patrick Swayze,” PMS cry fest.  Even I almost started crying!  (We miss you, Patrick Swayze <3 ).  Jennifer hasn’t lost her moves, even if she did lose half her nose.  They had the highest combined score of the night at 24 out of a possible 30.  8 from Carrie Ann, 8 from Len, and 8 from Bruno.


We also got to see Jamie Lee Curtis in the audience….


AND JOHN O’HURLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Judges Scores:

Jennifer Grey – 24
Brandy – 23
Kyle Massey – 23
Rick Fox – 22
Kurt Warner – 19
Audrina Patridge – 19
Bristol Palin – 18
Florence Henderson – 18
Michael Bolton – 16
Margaret Cho – 15
David Hasselhoff – 15
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – 15



I call it.

One comment

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