I don't pretend to be an expert on American Idol, in fact I think the last full episode I've watched was the first one ever just to see people make fools of themselves with the auditions. Yes, I got sucked into the original hype. I couldn't name many winners, in fact until recently I thought Taylor Swift was a winner.. She's not, right?
Anyway, one thing I'm not proud to admit is that I've actually kept track of the musical chairs from the judges, sort of. I mean how can you now when Simon Cowell turns down a bazillion dollar deal to run his own show “Everyone Pay Attention to Simon Hour”.
Well, because of my awesomeness, therealityjunkies.com was able to get the one and only Randy Jackson to guide us through the events over the past few years! So without further adieu…
Simon: Oh Randy, this is the kind of drivel that made me want to leave this poor excuse for a music competition, unlike my new show “The X Factor” where even better piss poor singers will stand before me and deal with my wrath week after week before I bathe in a pool of melted gold.
Paula:I don't have to do shit now that I'm free from this super high rating show. Time to leave a burning ship while it's sinking in the Titanic waters of Greece. I'm moving on to bigger and better things, like hosting VH1 Divas! Oh boy, it's already 11am? Time for my nap.
Simon: Paula, despite the fact that combined you and Randy share the intelligence level of the mold between my left toe, he's right. Lay off the meds. You sound like a cat that has been popping Xanax while singing barefoot on a step stool. Oh boy, I really am running out of insulting things to say to people. Anyway, to my fans, you can see me on “The X Factor” soon, as I'm done with this poorly produced, poorly executed shitstorm of a television program. I will, however, miss my babydoll Mr Seacrest, whom i've heard finally found himself a loved one. I hope both of you are very happy together when prop 8 is finally resolved!
Jennifer Lopez: Hey Bitches! JLO is HERE! That's right. Bow down before me and my entourage, i'm about to take this shit over, papi! My modest list of demands will be $5billion an episode, a dressing room for both my puppies, puppy1 and puppy2. I will also need my dressing room lined in pure white silk sheets taken from the beautiful people of Tibet, and I want them replaced weekly. The old sheets will be used to wipe the bottoms of puppy1, but not puppy2. My assistant is being punished this week so she has to clean puppy2 with hand soap, and no gloves.
Steven Tyler: Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh! Here comes Steven Tyler to shake this shit uppppp! Come on Jennifer Lopez, let's do a duet right now about Ellen! Ready? Dada, dada, dude looks like a ladddyyyy! Dada, dada, dude looks like…
Ellen: Steven, do not make me stop dancing to slap you. While I may be a space shot at times, i'm easily the nicest, and funniest personality this show has seen for quite some time, and for that, I need to bow out so I can continue my dancing somewhere else. I'm too good for this crap!
Kara: You know what? Even though few really know who the hell I am, i'm out of here too. I'm going to miss my non celebrity, and hopefully I can host some type of VH1 award show some day as well! Watch out Paula, I'm right behind you.
Yo Dawgggg. Where did everyone go?